Stop The Crazy Train, I'm Getting Off

So yesterday was the worst day I've had in quite a while.  I was pretty much a mess and cried all afternoon in my little cubicle with the thankfully high walls.  I attempted to eat lunch but ended up throwing it away.  Thankfully, blog commenter Returntogobaby pointed out that perhaps my blood sugar was low.  And that made a lot of sense.  I had just started the Metformin a week earlier and it can apparently it can cause a decrease in blood sugar.  So combined with the Clomid which is still in my system, an empty stomach, plus the insensitive comments of my mother, I had a total sobbing breakdown.

I should note here that I was not crying softly the entire time.  At certain intervals I was full on ugly crying, but I'm grateful that none of my coworkers tried to assist me.  We're not close by any means other than the location of our desks and I really didn't need to try to regain my composure if someone had interrupted me.  Luckily they are all women on my floor.  I managed to get all of my work done and shuffled home where I went directly to bed.

By the time my husband came home he, too, thought I was suffering from low blood sugar.  I was prescribed juice and semisweet chocolates we had lurking in our cabinet.  Together we rode out the storm, including another bed time panic attack complete with dry heaving. I survived and today I felt much better.

I told the nurse all that had happened and it was decided that Clomid is not the drug for me.  My GAD has been amplified and I've become a walking ball of hormones.  As for the Metformin, I'm going to keep taking it but will be careful to watch my blood sugar and not skip meals.  I also decided to not double my dose next week like I was originally instructed to do.  Everything I read about Metformin indicates that you should increase the dosage slowly and I don't want to temp the gods any further.

Thanks to all that commented yesterday when I was in the throes of my meltdown.  I really appreciate it.  The good news is I have two follicles measuring around 9 mm.  I go back on Tuesday and will hopefully trigger and have IUI#2 on Wednesday.

Today is CD15.

I Need SOMETHING To Go Right This Week

To put it in the simplest terms possible, I am a person living with anxiety.  I was first diagnosed with anxiety about seven years ago and it's been a series of highs and lows ever since.  But for about a year I can say that my anxiety levels were at an acceptable level.  I felt like I finally had some control over my life.

Last night I had a panic attack.  I think.  I don't really know.  It may have just been food poisoning but it started out with me going to bed at a reasonable hour and being awoken in the middle of the night with persistent irrational thoughts.  First I just needed to turn on the light and distract myself but after a while I realized I couldn't spend a minute longer alone with these thoughts.  I was sweating so much I threw off the blankets and got out of bed.

I thought about calling my husband, but I knew he had a big presentation this morning.

I thought about calling an insomniac friend, because I knew he would lend a sympathetic ear.

In the end I just went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face.

Then I ended up vomiting up the entire contents of my stomach.

What the hell is going on?  I race to the Dr. Google and see if anyone has ever vomited 21 days after their last Clomid pill.  That doesn't make any sense, right?  I'm definitely not pregnant.

There are two guesses for what's going on:

1.  Straight up food poisoning which led to a panic attack.  I did eat some questionable fried chicken earlier - and I never eat fried chicken (that's a WHOLE other story of how that became my dinner).

2.  Change in hormones because I'm getting my period any minute now.  Or because I stopped the progesterone suppositories.

Who the heck knows.  And no, I didn't call my doctor today.  I thought about it but "zomg I threw up and am anxious because of a preexisting anxiety condition, what should I do?" was not really a conversation I wanted to have.  I do feel mostly better today.

I did call up my old therapist though.  She and I go way back and she really got me through some tough times.  I thought it was probably time I talked to a professional about how I'm handling the fertility treatment process.  She called me back and was excited to catch up.  But, she tells me, she moved her office to her home and now it's about eight miles away.  It used to be around the corner from my apartment.

Did I mention one of the things that gives me the most anxiety is driving?  FML

To be continued....