Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Need SOMETHING To Go Right This Week

To put it in the simplest terms possible, I am a person living with anxiety.  I was first diagnosed with anxiety about seven years ago and it's been a series of highs and lows ever since.  But for about a year I can say that my anxiety levels were at an acceptable level.  I felt like I finally had some control over my life.

Last night I had a panic attack.  I think.  I don't really know.  It may have just been food poisoning but it started out with me going to bed at a reasonable hour and being awoken in the middle of the night with persistent irrational thoughts.  First I just needed to turn on the light and distract myself but after a while I realized I couldn't spend a minute longer alone with these thoughts.  I was sweating so much I threw off the blankets and got out of bed.

I thought about calling my husband, but I knew he had a big presentation this morning.

I thought about calling an insomniac friend, because I knew he would lend a sympathetic ear.

In the end I just went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face.

Then I ended up vomiting up the entire contents of my stomach.

What the hell is going on?  I race to the Dr. Google and see if anyone has ever vomited 21 days after their last Clomid pill.  That doesn't make any sense, right?  I'm definitely not pregnant.

There are two guesses for what's going on:

1.  Straight up food poisoning which led to a panic attack.  I did eat some questionable fried chicken earlier - and I never eat fried chicken (that's a WHOLE other story of how that became my dinner).

2.  Change in hormones because I'm getting my period any minute now.  Or because I stopped the progesterone suppositories.

Who the heck knows.  And no, I didn't call my doctor today.  I thought about it but "zomg I threw up and am anxious because of a preexisting anxiety condition, what should I do?" was not really a conversation I wanted to have.  I do feel mostly better today.

I did call up my old therapist though.  She and I go way back and she really got me through some tough times.  I thought it was probably time I talked to a professional about how I'm handling the fertility treatment process.  She called me back and was excited to catch up.  But, she tells me, she moved her office to her home and now it's about eight miles away.  It used to be around the corner from my apartment.

Did I mention one of the things that gives me the most anxiety is driving?  FML

To be continued....

1 comment:

  1. UGH. I hate anxiety. I have been having panic attacks for the past 2 days. I was medicated for anxiety 6 years ago but I haven't had flare ups like this in ages. I hope today goes better! I given you a "One Lovely Blog" Award :) thanks for sharing your story and I'm glad I've found you to follow!