I'm Going CRAZY in the Two Week Window

I'm distracted, frantic, paranoid, hopeful, excited, annoyed, depressed, anxious, happy, sad, hot, cold, sick, fine, tired, etc.

And I still have to get through:

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Until Tuesday when I'll know for sure what's going on.

But in the meantime, does the second picture look like the line got darker? My trigger has never left my system. I'm 10 days past trigger and 9 days past IUI. The top pic is from first morning urine and the second is from this afternoon. WDYT?

Come on One Line!

Seven days past hcg trigger and 6 days past my first IUI and I'm still getting positive tests. I need to see a negative before I can believe a positive. It's getting fainter at least.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Who knew a positive pregnancy test could be so annoying?

When it Rains, Get the Friggen Ark Ready

So speaking of first world problems, my husband got an amazing offer for a promotion last night. The offer would boost his salary to the point where it would nearly replace my entire take home salary. That means either my salary right now sucks or my husband is awesome. I suspect the correct answer is somewhere in the middle.

Why would we need to replace my salary, you ask? Because the promotion may be contingent on us moving to Boston. This is good news for several reasons:

1. Yay Boston! I've always wanted to live in a real city with stuff to do and people to meet. Boston has two zoos and an aquarium! My current city has none of those things. Plus it has a real airport with lots of daily flights to exotic locales - none of the multiple leg flights at insane costs we're used to.

2. Who wants to work everyday? I never really saw myself as Stay At Home Mom material, but if I can't find a job that pays more than day care (an atrocious $2400 a month in metro Boston) then I may enjoy it if I were in a big city where I wouldn't go stir crazy.

3. Boston is not really any further from our families and it's actually closer to where my sister lives. My favorite sister, not the other one.

4. I am at the point where I am ready for a change. I thought that meant I wanted to have a baby and buy a house but maybe moving will be good too. Although I hope a baby is part of the package.

So, what are the cons?

1. We really like our area. I've been here for nine years and DH has lived here for twelve. The cost of living is not bad so we actually live kinda luxuriously on our salaries if I do say so myself.

2. We own an apartment. Although we're not exactly sure what the market price would be right now, we don't think we'd be able to break even in a sale at this point. Renting is out is an option but one we know nothing about.

3. What about my career? Ideally I would delay the move until January, at which point I can become licensed to practice law in the state of Massachusetts. This of course fits conveniently into when New Year's Baby should show up. But would I ever be able to find another job? The job market for lawyers is crap.

It's a lot to think about. I am very proud of my husband and excited for our potential future together.

First World Problems in the Two Week Window

I keep trying to write a post today but everything on my mind seems pretty shallow. I'm either gonna be pregnant in twelve days or not. Nothing to do about it in the meantime really. While it's frustrating to have to wait it out, here are some other things that are frustrating me today.

1. I want to plan a vacation. I've wanted to do this for a while actually. We just went on vacation over New Year's so it hasn't been that long, but I've got some wanderlust going on right now. As obnoxious as the term "babymoon" is, I totally get it. People realize their life is going to change and they want to do one last thing before the day comes. On my list is Park City, Utah but I have been changing my mind every hour lately. Also, the RCI web site where I have to look to see our hotel options is really slow and hard to navigate.

2. For reasons not entirely my fault, my entire family knows when my beta is. This poses an interesting challenge. Either way they're going to want to know what happened. I really don't think they understand what an IUI is and I think they are under the impression I had IVF. The one person they all know who had IVF now has three kids. I don't want to set them up for months of waiting to hear news. And even if it is positive, I don't want to tell them the minute the stick turns pink. I realize this is a good problem to have so I'll just put it out of my mind for now.

3. I have to motivate myself to get stuff done this week. My mind is in the clouds. I can't even check out my favorite blogs without getting distracted. Luckily my day job is super slow this week, but I have pro bono work I have to finish and I have to prepare stuff for a writing course I'm taking this summer. I wish I could snap out of it. On top of that, I've been so tired!

4. I can't find my debit card. This is actually nothing new unfortunately. I am forever taking it out of my pocketbook and misplacing it. I'm sure it's somewhere at home but this is just the tip of the iceberg of my lack of organization these days. I need to find it by tonight because I'm going out to dinner.

See I told you all my problems were shallow. I was planning on writing a post about things I wanted to get done in the two week window instead, but I doubt I'll be able to get any of them done. All I can do is space out and long for sleep. Pregnancy brain already?

First IUI This Morning

I have been inseminated! I feel good. Well sometimes I feel wildly optimistic and sometimes I am thinking that it was just one big waste of time and resources and we'll need to do I.V.F.

So who knows.

I'm still processing it all to be honest.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so jittery and the HCG trigger shot was giving me acid reflux really bad. Luckily DH was there to help out with a Prilosec and some TUMs. I chewed a few and declared they were the best things ever invented and I wanted to eat them all. Then I laughed because I remembered one of my favorite bloggers actually fell in love with Tums during her pregnancy, only to realize too late that she had eaten too many.

I've spent the day trying to figure out what could potentially be happening inside me right now. Presumably, fertilization happened early this morning. Next, the fertilized egg will move down the fallopian tubes and divides into a ball of cells. This process takes 3-4 days apparently. Then, the ball of cells floats in the uterus for 2-3 days. Why does it do this? Doesn't it want to get right down to the next step?

Implantation! Pregnancy begins IF the ball of cells decides to attach itself to the lining of the uterus. It is at this point - as early as 6 days from now - that I may potentially feel some symptoms. The implantation process takes 3-4 days to complete.

Up to half of all fertilized eggs don't implant. That seems like such a cruel waste. But there's nothing I can do but wait.

So That's What Positive Looks Like

I knew my blood work indicated I was surging as of this morning so I didn't need to use an opk but since I've used at least 70 of these stupid tests and have never seen a clear positive I couldn't resist. Eureka! A test line that is darker than the control line! Not just a line that's maybe sorta the same darkness but a slightly different color. It looks like I finally may ovulate...just in time for tomorrow's IUI.

And, since it was a day of firsts I figured I may as well take a gander at my very first positive pregnancy test...albeit a fake one. Due to the hcg trigger I took this morning, any pregnancy test I take for the next ten days should come back positive...even before I actually get pregnant. It was so cool pretending it was the real deal.

Some women apparently "test out their trigger" which means they take a pregnancy test every day after the trigger so they can tell when it's out of their system. I probably won't do that. Maybe I'll test again in 9 days because it's supposed to be gone by day 10. And then I want to start testing for the BFP 10 days after the IUI so that would be 11 days after the trigger shot.

So, Friday, April 20th it is. I already have fun out of town plans for that night. Here's hoping I have something to celebrate.

Triggered and Ready to Go!

Did the Easter Bunny bring me some eggs? We'll find out soon! But this morning I had TWO follicles at my ultrasound instead of the one they saw on Friday. Where did the second one come from? It was measuring at 18mm and the other measured at 19.5. I feel a lot more confident now that I have two potential eggs cooking inside me.

We did the trigger shot right in the office and scheduled my first IUI for tomorrow morning at 9:30. I'm excited. We will get there at 8:30 to drop off DH's sample and I will head upstairs for an hour of free acupuncture. My RE's office is affiliated with a spa that offers all sorts of fertility related services. I went to them once before I was even a patient to see if acupuncture could help my irregular cycles. I didn't keep going because it was expensive but for becoming a patient at the R.E.'s office I got one free session and any other treatment is BOGO. Just another reason why I love the R.E's office.

My bloodwork looks good too. My LH is at 25.49 which means I am hitting my surge! My estradiol is at 437 which supports the two follicles hanging out on my Lefty. And my progesterone is 1.2 and I don't know what that means exactly but it checks out okay on the charts. My lining is 8.5 - good enough to support a pregnancy!

Bring on the sperm!

By the way: telling someone they can't have sex for two days is a sure fire way to make them really horny. I'll have to remember that.

Go Go Gadget Follicles

I had my first cycle monitoring appointment today. To recap, it's cycle day 67 today but I call it cycle day 10 because I had a baseline ultrasound a week ago and took 100 mg of Clomid on cycle days 60-64.

We have follicles! One nice 15mm follicle on my left side and two tiny 6 mm follicles on the right side. The Clomid worked! I was so relieved. Having almost no side effects I was worried they were going to see no response.

The next step is to have sex, yay, tomorrow, and then come back in on Monday for another ultrasound. If the follicles grow like they're supposed to, I will take the trigger shot at Monday's appointment and have my IUI first thing Tuesday morning!

Can I be totally honest and say part of me was a little disappointed there was only one big follie instead of two because it means I don't have much chance at twins? Hearing about how Clomid can cause multiples made me a little excited. I must sound so ungrateful! Okay, I'll just take one healthy baby please. I know twin pregnancies are riskier and I'm sure raising two infants simultaneously is no picnic but it was a nice idea for a minute.

But enough of that madness, grow follicles, grow! We will trigger if it is 20mm on Monday and they're supposed to grow 2mm per day.

"Twelve Days Pregnant"

Looking at pregnancy web sites it never fails to amaze me how little pregnant women (smug fertiles) know about pregnancy or their own bodies for that matter. A few years ago, when pregnancy was still a distant dream for me, there was a woman on the Bump message boards ask if anyone else was taking birth control while "preggo" because she was concerned about Irish twins. Yes, she actually thought she could get pregnant while pregnant. Hilarity ensued.

I came across (okay fine, looked for it) a web site where women talked about telling their husbands they were pregnant. One woman had written in that by the time she found out she "was already twelve days pregnant." It reminded me of another time someone on a message board posted that for some reason home pregnancy tests "didn't work" for her because she didn't get a positive until she was four weeks pregnant.

Before I lose my mind and scream that stupid people should just stop reproducing I have to remember that just a few years ago I didn't really know this stuff either. Well, I knew you couldn't get re-pregant but not necessarily everything else.

And not that anyone reading this blog doesn't already know this, but pregnancies are usually dated by the first day of your last monthly period. So, by the time you can test positive on a home pregnancy test you are already nearly four weeks pregnant. There is no such thing as twelve days pregnant. On day twelve of a normal women's cycle she is gearing up to ovulate.

For people, like me, who don't have regular cycles, you need to use the date of ovulation to determine how pregnant you are. The first day of my last monthly period was January 31st. This, sadly, does not make me 64 days pregnant. If I am to ovulate soon (fingers crossed for this Saturday!) then I will be four weeks pregnant two weeks after that date. Does that make sense?

I just needed to get that off my chest!

Tonight is my last dose of Clomid. Then it's time to get this party started.

Goodbye 2012, Hello 2013!

You know what this process of trying to get pregnant has made me really good at? Math. As in counting out nine months. When my sister told me she was pregnant and due on September 10th I immediately asked myself if she had been drinking on Christmas. Then I did the math and thought, wow, she must have found out the week between Christmas and New Year's. How joyous that must have been. For her.

And no, I'm still not over it. Anyone with sisters should know what I'm talking about. Our relationship is a deeply complicated thing. Not to mention the fact that we share parents, look similar, got married at almost the exact same age (30 years, 7 months for me and 30 years, 9 months for her). Why does her body work and not mine?

When I first started trying to get pregnant I was so excited that my baby would be born in April. Then it was May, then June, then you get the point. Eventually I realized the chances of having a baby born in 2012 were dwindling. And now, due to this handy online due date calculator I know that they are gone. Well, maybe if the baby came early but most likely gone.

This information will be of particular interest to my husband as we send the check to the Tax Man this week. We withhold at the maximum rate and still owe taxes again this year. No 2012 deduction for us. Sigh.

But I'm going in on Friday for my baseline ultrasound. Even though today is CD 58 I pretended like it was CD1 and plugged in the info in the due date calendar. Immediately it said "Congratulations, you are due on January 2, 2013!" This date was exciting for two reasons:

1. It falls into the very narrow gap of being in 2013 but before my 33rd birthday on January 9th. It sounds dumb but beating that milestone would make me feel better.

2. I stand a darn good chance of the baby coming a day early and being the first baby born in 2013. Maybe we'll be on the news! And how awesome would it be to have a birthday on New Year's? There would always be a party to go to!

3. I'm born in January. January is a great month to be born. You're the oldest kid in your class so you can get your learner's permit first (not license though, that one took a while, lol), buy beer first, etc.

And I know that thinking like this is probably not good for me but I'm trying to be positive. Hitting milestones sucks.

Come on January.

The R.E. v. Every Other Doctor In The World

I seriously love my R.E.'s office. They are so nice and accommodating. I can access all of my patient information, lab results, schedule, etc. right on their web site. I thought I would give you a side by side comparison of how I've been treated thus far by this office as opposed to my other doctors.

At the General Practitioner

Pussy Parent: I would like to schedule a physical.
General Practitioner's Office: What for?
Pussy Parent: Because I haven't had one since college and I would like one.
General Practitioner's Office: Okay, you can come in three months from now at 2 in the afternoon?
Pussy Parent: Do you have anything early in the morning or later in the afternoon. I work 9-5.
General Practitioner's Office: No, those time slots are not available for physicals.

and another time

Pussy Parent: I'm having very severe abdominal pain that has lasted two weeks.
General Practitioner's Office: Go get this very scary abdominal cat scan and then I'll never call you and tell you the results.

and yet another time

Pussy Parent: Hello, I would like to schedule my flu shot.
General Practitioner's Office: Ok, how about this really inconvenient time?
Pussy Parent: Fine. Can my husband come in with me? We just got married so he has been added to my insurance.
General Practitioner's Office: We aren't accepting new patients at this time.
Pussy Parent: But can he just get the shot?
General Practitioner's Office: No.

and then

At the Gynecologists

Pussy Parent: I would like to schedule my annual.
Gyn Office: Okay, how about this day at this very inconvenient time. Come and sign in and you'll wait at least an hour for your appointment even though you were on time.*
Pussy Parent: Can't wait!

*I added the asterisk because many people assume that the reason they have to wait so long to be seen at their annual is because their doctor is off delivering a baby. I can safely say that's not the case because my doctor only handles the GYN side of things.

compared to

At the R.E.'s Office

R.E. Nurse: Hi, we are just calling to see if you had any questions.
Pussy Parent: You're calling me?! Questions.
R.E. Nurse: Question answered. When would you like to schedule your appointment?
Pussy Parent: Gulp. Do you have anything available for this Friday?
R.E. Nurse: Sure, when would you like to come in?
Pussy Parent: How about 9?
R.E. Nurse: I've got 9, 9:15, 9:30, which do you want?
Pussy Parent: /dies

If only they could treat all my medical problems. I love them so far.

Plus my drugs came today! I go in this Friday for a baseline ultrasound (on Day 60, crazy!) and will hopefully get the green light to start the Clomid.

The Crinone, on the other hand, scares the ever loving crap out of me.

Thoughts on Cycle Day 56

I searched Google for images associated with the word "waiting" and this picture of a bear sitting on a picnic bench was too perfect not to share. I hope someone brings that bear his picnic soon.

And here I am, still waiting to end Cycle 5. It's day 56. And I know to some people reading this blog 5 cycles seems like nothing. I don't want to seem totally impatient but I've waited nine months to have some feeling that my body was actually going to cooperate with me and it seemed like the last two cycles were getting shorter (26 and 38 respectively), so this is just frustrating.

I have a bottle of Provera waiting for me at home but my RE's office told me that I didn't need to take it yet. As of last week they wanted to see my blood test results and then have me come in for a baseline ultrasound and maybe start Clomid without even waiting for my period because it's clear I haven't ovulated this cycle.

My drugs will be here tomorrow via Fed Ex. Only $45 for the Clomid, Crinone gel and HCG trigger shot. Thank God for great insurance! On the one hand, I really hope the results come in soon and they schedule my appointment ASAP. On the other hand, I have a busy week at work and have been stranded without a car as my husband is taking our only car out of town tonight until Thursday.

Thus I am just waiting and hoping. There's always the small chance that we made a baby the "natural" way, right? The goddamn psychic has 5 more days to earn her $5.

Don't Feed After Midnight

The past two days I've tried (and failed) to get the rest of the blood work I need done. Saturday morning I woke up and leisurely checked my email and goofed around online before driving the short distance to the lab. It's my fault, of course, that I didn't read the paperwork before then. I knew I had to fast before going in but I didn't read the part that said I had to have the blood work done by 11 a.m.

So I show up at the lab at around 10:40 and it is a mad house. But I hoped they would see the "must see by 11 a.m." note on my paperwork and scoot me in soon. Wrong. They told me to kick rocks because they don't run "stat" labs at this place. Told me I had to go to the hospital.

I decided not to try and race to the hospital because I probably wouldn't make it by 11. I proceeded to go to the St. Patrick's Day parade and have a good time. I made it an early night because I wanted to be rested and wake up early to find the right lab and get the blood work done this morning. Also I have to fast after midnight.

So I navigate the parking complex of a local hospital and find the outpatient lab and take a number. Except no one ever shows up. Despite what their web site proclaims, the lab is closed on Sundays. I give up and go home.

Thus tomorrow I will try for a third time to get my blood drawn. This means waking up super early because I also have to wash my hair tomorrow. I am NOT a morning person. Wish me luck.

Thinking about Sperm!

DH is in Europe partying with the boys since we have no kids and plenty of disposable income. But the day after he comes back he has to go to the RE's office to do a Sperm Analysis. So after 8 days of no sex he has to abstain the night he gets back too. Womp womp.

I told him he has to find a way to ejaculate three days before coming home in order to produce the best sample. I have no idea how he's going to do that as he is sharing a room with another dude and he barely has enough alone time to call me for more than ten minutes here and there. Not that it's really my problem. If I can go through all these tests and procedures then he most certainly can find a chance to masturbate.

But let's talk about sperm for a minute. In all my research about getting pregnant I've never really looked into sperm issues at all. Every now and then I'll come across a blogger facing male factor infertility and will think how hard that must be but beyond that I have no knowledge. To be honest, until a few years ago I didn't know what the difference was between sperm and semen. I still am not sure I understand. Semen contains sperm. What else does it contain?

Also, since they never gave me the sample cup at my visit, DH has to go to "The Room" and make his deposit. I'm so curious about this. What is the room like? Will he be able to perform? Will a diet of fast food and booze for a week impact his sample?

I'm not really prepared for him to have an abnormal sample. I know that sounds hypocritical because I have fertility issues but I'm just not ready for him to have them too. It just seems too insurmountable right now.

Next Wednesday can't come fast enough.

I Have PCOS...and a Plan!

So. much. information. at my first appointment with the R.E. yesterday. Frankly I'm still digesting it and doing a little research.

First thing first, I have PCOS! Maybe. Probably. At least that's what he's saying I have even though my labs will probably come back normal like last time and I don't appear to have any cycsts. PCOS is basically a catchall diagnosis and since I have irregular cycles now with heavy bleeding, unwanted weight gain since going off the pill and excessive facial hair he thinks it fits. Also the whole not getting pregnant thing.

Next, when discussing my options he didn't even mention timed intercourse. I had to stop him and say "but what about timed intercourse?" He wants to move straight to IUI.

When I first heard that I was all.



What do you mean I have to have sex with a catheter instead of my husband? It freaked me out a little bit. In fact I made the insurance coordinator swear to me that they had never given anyone the wrong sperm. She laughed and said they only do one insemination at a time and they mark the cup with your Social Security Number or something.

He also wants me on Clomid (I expected this) and maybe even a trigger shot. But the trigger increases my chances of multiples to 30%. OMG mutiples! I started freaking out again.

But now, a day later and after I got to talk to DH (who is out of town) I am feeling good. It's a plan. It's a good place to start.





I still have oodles more tests in the works - HSG, SHG, SA, PCO panel, etc. etc.

But I have a good doctor. And I have hope.

Remember to Smile!

I was all set to write a post about how my family is a bunch of asshole and the world is conspiring against me, but then I decided that I was going to choose to be positive instead.

And so here is a picture of a smiling cat (not mine - although one of mine does smile in his sleep, just like my DH).

Tomorrow is my first appointment with the reproductive endocronologist. I'm going to go into it very positive and optimistic about the future. I hope that helps.

Smile!

Six More Months of Ferility Friend

In five short days, I will be off to my first appointment with the reproductive endocrinologist and I not-so-secretly want him to tell me to stop charting.

I. Hate. Charting.

I mean, not only do I like to hit snooze for the first ten (okay twenty) minutes after I wake up, my friggen thermometer gags me every morning. I am a mouth breather (yes really!) and I can't breathe with that thing in my mouth for two whole minutes. And yes, I actually did buy a new thermometer that doesn't take a million years to finish but it's gone missing. I think one of the cats stole it. He's a klepto.

Then there's the whole problem of my chart just being so erratic and useless that according to my Ferility Enemy, I'm not ovulating and therefore just wasting my time by plotting all of my temps, symptoms, sex, etc. Who needs a reminder every morning (as soon as they wake up to face the day!) that they are messed up. No biphasic pattern for me!

And yes, I have read that mouth breathing may screw up my tempuratures. I thought about temping vaginally but haven't tried it yet. I really don't want to. As if not getting pregnant was annoying enough, now I have to poke myself in the vagina every morning? Not for me.

As much as I hate charting, when I got the notice that my Fertility Friend VIP membership was expiring in four days, I went ahead and bought six more months of VIP status. For a bunch of reasons, chief of which is even though FF is free, I wanted the VIP features. I'm an elitist snob.

To make matters worse, I was totally out of "Fun Money" and therefore had to charge it on my joint account. If DH calls me out of the $25 though I'm just going to kick him in the nuts. Trust me, charting is not fun!

Mark my words, if I'm not pregnant by September 13th I am breaking up with you, Fertility Friend.

The good news is, as of ten minutes ago, I learned how to take a screenshot with my iphone so that I could bring you my Chart of Fail in the upper left hand corner of this post.

Thinking about the psychic....again

So since the time I wrote the post about my psychic prediction I received back in November I realized that I was wrong. It actually would be possible to get a BFP on a cycle that started in February if (and this is a big IF) I get a BFP on this cycle.

So while this is highly unlikely to happen, it's not impossible. Right? I mean, right?

Except....

I've taken two pregnancy tests in the past four days and they've all been BFN.

I had a huge temp dip today.

I haven't had sex in 11 days(!).

It doesn't even look like I ovulated.

I have twenty six days before I write an angry letter to an Internet pyshic.

Cycle 5, Day 35

Cycle 5, Day 23

Last night I was sure I got a positive ovulation predictor kit (opk), which would have sucked because I've only ever seen a (probably) positive test one time and my goddamn husband is out of town. Also because we had sex on cycle days 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16 and 18. But nothing for 4 means I'm probably shit outta luck. My husband offered to drive back for the night but I told him not to bother. After getting a positive opk you are supposed to ovulate within 12-36 hours. He'll be home tomorrow night.

Then this morning I took another test and it was negative. Or probably negative. I stared at it for half an hour. I sent a picture to my husband. I sent a picture to my friend. I uploaded the picture to an Internet message board. It's probably negative and the more I thought about it, the more I thought last night's was probably negative too.

Pretty much I hate these stupid tests. Why are they so hard to read? Even though I just bought 50 of them from Amazon I think I'm going to go out and get some digital tests. Sometimes more money = better. It would be good just to have a way to double check when I'm uncertain anyway.

The dentist asked me if I was pregnant today because six months ago at my last cleaning I didn't let her take x-rays, naively hoping I was pregnant and it was too early to test. And here I am, still not pregnant.

Written in the Stars or How I Wasted $5

Way back in early November I consulted an Internet Psychic reputed for her ability to predict when women would get pregnant. No really, I did. It was all the rage on The Bump forums and it was only $5. Within a couple of hours, I had my answer:

"Your reading reveals that your BFP news comes the month of March from a cycle that begins in February. The baby shows as a boy and his EDD/birth date is referenced the month of December 2012 -specific reference to the 5th and 11th. "

Of course, hearing in November that I still had four more months of trying ahead of me before I would become pregnant was a little disappointing. "Of course it will totally happen before then!" But in the back of my mind, March became the new deadline. Not pregnant in January? That's fine, the Internet pyshic says it won't happen until March.

And I'm having a boy! I've (not so) secretly always wanted only boys! Blue! No weddings to pay for! Boys are so less bitchy than girls! Last Christmas I tried to picture myself a year out holding my little boy on my lap. It made me smile.

It wasn't until I dug this old prediction up out of my email that I realized that it may have already been proven false. Since it is already February 7th today and I'm on the 8th day of my cycle, I would have to start my next cycle by the 29th of this month, meaning that this current cycle would be less than 30 days. Could it be so? Keep in mind my cycles have ranged from 27 days to 79 days.

Who knows? Here's hoping the pyschic is totally wrong and I will be pregnant by the end of February.