IUI #2 Is Next Week!

I have this whole long post laid out in my mind this morning but then those fools expected me to do a zillion things at work today.  Hello, Boss, I need to update my blog!  People want to know what's happening with my vagina!  Eleven people, but still!

So now before bedtime I can sneak in a little update.  I had my baseline ultrasound today on CD4.  Everything looked good!  She didn't even have to dig for my Lefty.  I started Clomid tonight after a hilarious day of hijinks with the Fed Ex guy and my medication order.  Seriously, Fed Ex, you won't give my drugs to my husband?  Is this crap because I didn't change my last name.  Disaster averted but if this happens again I'm going to have to get drugs delivered to work instead and hello awkward.

My mother was so funny on the phone today when I told her I was starting a new cycle.  "Did they say why it didn't work last time?"  LOL, Mom, you're adorable.  You and your accidental pregnancy (aka my cool sister) at 40 while on birth control pills.  Hilarious.

So stay tuned for a whole new big idea I had that hopefully I'll have time to post about soon.

Bringing Sexy Back

My husband has ninety pairs of underwear.*  I'm not sure if this is normal or not.  Some are boxers, some are boxer briefs, some are those cute bicycle pant types that I love.  I only have maybe twenty five pairs of underwear.  Of those twenty five - eight of them I really like, three or four I like, a few I tolerate and a couple I wear when I run out of everything else.

I'm nearly down to my last pair at the moment.  And I can't very well wear some of the expensive stomach flattening ones that I can barely pull on or the boy shorts my mom gets me for Christmas for their cute pattern (not knowing that I loathe boy shorts because they give me wedgies) because it is a hellish CD2 right now.  Yes, that's right, I got my period!  It only took 87 days and a crap load of drugs!

Our underwear disparity gets highlighted a few times a month when I run out of my favorite panties and want to do laundry.  And I know what you're thinking, "do some laundry you lazy bastard" but we live in an apartment and we have this ginormous laundry cart thing on wheels that is never emptied of its clean clothes so the dirty clothes accumulate in a pile I have no clear method of transporting to the basement.  Also it means having cash to load into our laundry machine cards and knowing where the laundry detergent is currently stored.  In other words, it's a process.

 So I just bought five new pairs of underwear.  I think I may buy like twenty more.  It feels so liberating.  I hardly ever buy clothes.  I'm weird.  I think I will retire my five least favorite pairs when this new shipment arrives.  I keep thinking of the feeling I get when I put on my favorite underwear and thinking "what if I could have that feeling every day?"  Why did I never think of this before?

I was never a lingerie person.  I know my husband would be excited if I wore some on occasion.  I just never do it.  I guess I'm always waiting to lose weight or for a special occasion and I just feel weird dropping money on something that is designed to be taken off.  I've done the crying in the dressing room thing so I'm never really excited about trying on any new clothes, especially intimates.

Today I took charge and said I want to experiment a little.  So new underwear plus a couple other items will be added to the repertoire and I'm excited.  I hope this sparks some added sexiness in our marriage.

*I didn't actually count them, maybe it's more!

Battle of The Infertiles

I know that petty crap like this shouldn't bother me, but I am annoyed that it's been hard to find answers and support that I'm looking for on message boards.  And in real life I guess but message board is where I've looked the most lately. The problem is there is this sort of weird competition between women seeking a healthy pregnancy that sometimes makes it hard for people to empathize with each other.

The first problem is, I haven't been trying to get pregnant for an entire year yet.  It's only been about ten months.  In the world of infertility forums this means I haven't struggled enough to be worthy of seeking treatments, no matter the fact that I am anovulatory and am dealing with male factor infertility.  Just recently I have been called "impatient" by another poster for asking a question about IVF.  I wanted to say, "hey listen, chick, I am nine years older than you and you've only been trying for five more months than me and, yet, you get to start the IVF process?"

But I didn't.  Because I'm not trying to be petty.  And I don't think women who are struggling with fertility problems should compare themselves to each other in the first place.  Pursuing parenthood shouldn't be a race.

Yet, I'm a big fat hypocrite because when I heard the pregnancy announcements of two women today - one on a message board and one I know in real life - I admit I was comparing myself to them in envy.  The message board poster who announced her pregnancy had been trying to get pregnant for nine months - so only one month less than me - but she also has a nine month old son.  So, yeah, she has been trying for her second since presumably the minute her son was born.  Is that even allowed?  I don't know, but she has proudly proclaimed it for the past nine months we've been posting on the same message board.

The announcement from a friend in the real world came out of nowhere.  It was a couple that I've known for years.  They live in the same building as us and got married a few months after we did.  They're a really nice couple but a few years younger than us.  She's due in "the middle of December" which means she's only about six weeks now.  I was frankly shocked at the news on Facebook this early.  I hope everything works out but I can admit that I pretty much never want to see her again.

Bringing this back to the message board issue: I have infertility coverage through our insurance.  I wish everyone did but other than supporting online petitions and writing my congressmen there's not much I can do to change this.  I've been told that trying to structure my treatment schedule around my remaining coverage is insensitive to those that are pursuing treatment out of pocket.

Luckily I have found a few great bloggers through ICLW.  If only you guys were hanging out on the same message board as me when I want to ask 10 questions a day.  Do you post on message boards, readers, or have you encountered the same attitudes?

I Need SOMETHING To Go Right This Week

To put it in the simplest terms possible, I am a person living with anxiety.  I was first diagnosed with anxiety about seven years ago and it's been a series of highs and lows ever since.  But for about a year I can say that my anxiety levels were at an acceptable level.  I felt like I finally had some control over my life.

Last night I had a panic attack.  I think.  I don't really know.  It may have just been food poisoning but it started out with me going to bed at a reasonable hour and being awoken in the middle of the night with persistent irrational thoughts.  First I just needed to turn on the light and distract myself but after a while I realized I couldn't spend a minute longer alone with these thoughts.  I was sweating so much I threw off the blankets and got out of bed.

I thought about calling my husband, but I knew he had a big presentation this morning.

I thought about calling an insomniac friend, because I knew he would lend a sympathetic ear.

In the end I just went into the bathroom and splashed water on my face.

Then I ended up vomiting up the entire contents of my stomach.

What the hell is going on?  I race to the Dr. Google and see if anyone has ever vomited 21 days after their last Clomid pill.  That doesn't make any sense, right?  I'm definitely not pregnant.

There are two guesses for what's going on:

1.  Straight up food poisoning which led to a panic attack.  I did eat some questionable fried chicken earlier - and I never eat fried chicken (that's a WHOLE other story of how that became my dinner).

2.  Change in hormones because I'm getting my period any minute now.  Or because I stopped the progesterone suppositories.

Who the heck knows.  And no, I didn't call my doctor today.  I thought about it but "zomg I threw up and am anxious because of a preexisting anxiety condition, what should I do?" was not really a conversation I wanted to have.  I do feel mostly better today.

I did call up my old therapist though.  She and I go way back and she really got me through some tough times.  I thought it was probably time I talked to a professional about how I'm handling the fertility treatment process.  She called me back and was excited to catch up.  But, she tells me, she moved her office to her home and now it's about eight miles away.  It used to be around the corner from my apartment.

Did I mention one of the things that gives me the most anxiety is driving?  FML

To be continued....

IUI #1 = BFN

I'm actually not that upset.  I figured there was no way five home pregnancy tests taken 13 and 14 days past the IUI could have been wrong.  It took an agonizing six hours from the time of my blood draw to the time the phone rang with the news I already knew.  But at least I'm done with the uncertainty for a while.  I can go to the bathroom and not have to inspect.  I can relax about drinking wine or eating sushi.  I can stop peeing in cups.  I can stop inserting applicators full of goo into my lady parts every morning!

I have a lot more information than I did a month ago and I am still confident that we will find success in the future.  I have a lot of thoughts about what to do differently next time and just an overall feeling about this cycle but I'm still kinda processing them.  I hope to share more soon.

And I apologize again for being only a sporadic ICLW participant but I will catch up tomorrow as soon as I catch up on the two projects I neglected while I was distracted by the two week window.  Not work projects, I promise!  No one call my boss or anything.

The next question is how long will it take for AF to come?  My progesterone is 7 something. Fingers crossed for it showing up by this weekend.  I haven't seen the witch since January!

"I Think You Know Too Much"

When the spotting happened on Saturday I was a sobbing hysterical mess on the phone with my mother.  I begged her to locate my sister and have her call me because I think I remember her saying that she had implantation bleeding with her first pregnancy.

I told her that bleeding at 11dpo could be related to implantation because I didn't expect to get my period until at least 14dpo.  She got confused and then asked me "if your periods are irregular how do you know when you're going to get it next?"

When I tried to explain to her what it meant she said that maybe I was stressed out because I know too much about this process.

My pregnant sister really has no idea what the heck a Luteal Phase is.  And why should she?  I've talked about this before, but it seems most women only have a rudimentary understanding of how their bodies work.  They just know to have sex somewhere in the middle of the month and whammo, pregnant.

13dpIUI = BFN.

Beta is tomorrow.

Welcome April ICLWers!

Hello to everyone participating in the International Comment Leaving Week!  Last month was the first time I have joined this group and I had a lot of fun meeting other bloggers and learning about your stories.  It felt really cool to know others were cheering each other on.

Unfortunately I've had a roller coast couple of days.  I was out of town yesterday when the commenting should have started and just got back a few minutes ago.  I am in the Two Week Window of my first medicated cycle and yesterday I had some bleeding and today I got a BFN.  This shouldn't be SO surprising since I'm only 12 days past my first IUI but I had been testing positive ever since my trigger and thought maybe it would stick around.

So I'm actually in a pretty crummy mood today but I just wanted to say hi and I will start checking out the other blogs now. Hopefully I can snap out of this funk soon.

Updated.  Due to err technical issues (or me creating a new blog address in a wildly optimistic moment) all of my comments are showing up under the pseudonym Tie Dye Mom but it's still me!

I'm Going CRAZY in the Two Week Window

I'm distracted, frantic, paranoid, hopeful, excited, annoyed, depressed, anxious, happy, sad, hot, cold, sick, fine, tired, etc.

And I still have to get through:

Friday

Saturday

Sunday

Monday

Until Tuesday when I'll know for sure what's going on.

But in the meantime, does the second picture look like the line got darker? My trigger has never left my system. I'm 10 days past trigger and 9 days past IUI. The top pic is from first morning urine and the second is from this afternoon. WDYT?

Come on One Line!

Seven days past hcg trigger and 6 days past my first IUI and I'm still getting positive tests. I need to see a negative before I can believe a positive. It's getting fainter at least.

I'll try again tomorrow.

Who knew a positive pregnancy test could be so annoying?

I'm a Wanna Be Montessori Mom

I've always been interested in early child development. I nearly became a teacher but my mother convinced me to become a lawyer instead. Jokes on me because my mother makes more than twice my salary and has summers off, but that's neither here nor there. With the possibility of moving to Boston rendering me unemployed I immediately thought that I would have the time to integrate Montessori principles into my parenting style.

(Yes there's just the tiny problem of not having any kids yet but we're working on that.)

I know I will need to do a ton of research to get DH on board because as soon as I showed him a Montessori floor bed he thought I had lost my mind. But, Internet, you understand me. I first got introduced to the floor bed when a blogger I followed posted her son's Montessori nursery. This was way back before I was married and I was really impressed. Sure, some of the things on her blog practiced as part of the "Attachment Parenting" philosophy seemed weird - like elimination communication - I really liked the idea of designing a room around the needs of a child and their development.

Like I'm known to do I've been seeking out more blogs and books to research all there is to know about Montessori. I've learned you can spend quite a bit of time drooling over people's nurseries on Bedstart. I also plan to read Montessori From The Start as soon as I finish ten other books I'm currently reading.

One of these days I may actually need all this knowledge if I become a stay home mom. Wow! I never thought I'd be planning on that.

When it Rains, Get the Friggen Ark Ready

So speaking of first world problems, my husband got an amazing offer for a promotion last night. The offer would boost his salary to the point where it would nearly replace my entire take home salary. That means either my salary right now sucks or my husband is awesome. I suspect the correct answer is somewhere in the middle.

Why would we need to replace my salary, you ask? Because the promotion may be contingent on us moving to Boston. This is good news for several reasons:

1. Yay Boston! I've always wanted to live in a real city with stuff to do and people to meet. Boston has two zoos and an aquarium! My current city has none of those things. Plus it has a real airport with lots of daily flights to exotic locales - none of the multiple leg flights at insane costs we're used to.

2. Who wants to work everyday? I never really saw myself as Stay At Home Mom material, but if I can't find a job that pays more than day care (an atrocious $2400 a month in metro Boston) then I may enjoy it if I were in a big city where I wouldn't go stir crazy.

3. Boston is not really any further from our families and it's actually closer to where my sister lives. My favorite sister, not the other one.

4. I am at the point where I am ready for a change. I thought that meant I wanted to have a baby and buy a house but maybe moving will be good too. Although I hope a baby is part of the package.

So, what are the cons?

1. We really like our area. I've been here for nine years and DH has lived here for twelve. The cost of living is not bad so we actually live kinda luxuriously on our salaries if I do say so myself.

2. We own an apartment. Although we're not exactly sure what the market price would be right now, we don't think we'd be able to break even in a sale at this point. Renting is out is an option but one we know nothing about.

3. What about my career? Ideally I would delay the move until January, at which point I can become licensed to practice law in the state of Massachusetts. This of course fits conveniently into when New Year's Baby should show up. But would I ever be able to find another job? The job market for lawyers is crap.

It's a lot to think about. I am very proud of my husband and excited for our potential future together.

First World Problems in the Two Week Window

I keep trying to write a post today but everything on my mind seems pretty shallow. I'm either gonna be pregnant in twelve days or not. Nothing to do about it in the meantime really. While it's frustrating to have to wait it out, here are some other things that are frustrating me today.

1. I want to plan a vacation. I've wanted to do this for a while actually. We just went on vacation over New Year's so it hasn't been that long, but I've got some wanderlust going on right now. As obnoxious as the term "babymoon" is, I totally get it. People realize their life is going to change and they want to do one last thing before the day comes. On my list is Park City, Utah but I have been changing my mind every hour lately. Also, the RCI web site where I have to look to see our hotel options is really slow and hard to navigate.

2. For reasons not entirely my fault, my entire family knows when my beta is. This poses an interesting challenge. Either way they're going to want to know what happened. I really don't think they understand what an IUI is and I think they are under the impression I had IVF. The one person they all know who had IVF now has three kids. I don't want to set them up for months of waiting to hear news. And even if it is positive, I don't want to tell them the minute the stick turns pink. I realize this is a good problem to have so I'll just put it out of my mind for now.

3. I have to motivate myself to get stuff done this week. My mind is in the clouds. I can't even check out my favorite blogs without getting distracted. Luckily my day job is super slow this week, but I have pro bono work I have to finish and I have to prepare stuff for a writing course I'm taking this summer. I wish I could snap out of it. On top of that, I've been so tired!

4. I can't find my debit card. This is actually nothing new unfortunately. I am forever taking it out of my pocketbook and misplacing it. I'm sure it's somewhere at home but this is just the tip of the iceberg of my lack of organization these days. I need to find it by tonight because I'm going out to dinner.

See I told you all my problems were shallow. I was planning on writing a post about things I wanted to get done in the two week window instead, but I doubt I'll be able to get any of them done. All I can do is space out and long for sleep. Pregnancy brain already?

First IUI This Morning

I have been inseminated! I feel good. Well sometimes I feel wildly optimistic and sometimes I am thinking that it was just one big waste of time and resources and we'll need to do I.V.F.

So who knows.

I'm still processing it all to be honest.

I couldn't sleep last night because I was so jittery and the HCG trigger shot was giving me acid reflux really bad. Luckily DH was there to help out with a Prilosec and some TUMs. I chewed a few and declared they were the best things ever invented and I wanted to eat them all. Then I laughed because I remembered one of my favorite bloggers actually fell in love with Tums during her pregnancy, only to realize too late that she had eaten too many.

I've spent the day trying to figure out what could potentially be happening inside me right now. Presumably, fertilization happened early this morning. Next, the fertilized egg will move down the fallopian tubes and divides into a ball of cells. This process takes 3-4 days apparently. Then, the ball of cells floats in the uterus for 2-3 days. Why does it do this? Doesn't it want to get right down to the next step?

Implantation! Pregnancy begins IF the ball of cells decides to attach itself to the lining of the uterus. It is at this point - as early as 6 days from now - that I may potentially feel some symptoms. The implantation process takes 3-4 days to complete.

Up to half of all fertilized eggs don't implant. That seems like such a cruel waste. But there's nothing I can do but wait.

So That's What Positive Looks Like

I knew my blood work indicated I was surging as of this morning so I didn't need to use an opk but since I've used at least 70 of these stupid tests and have never seen a clear positive I couldn't resist. Eureka! A test line that is darker than the control line! Not just a line that's maybe sorta the same darkness but a slightly different color. It looks like I finally may ovulate...just in time for tomorrow's IUI.

And, since it was a day of firsts I figured I may as well take a gander at my very first positive pregnancy test...albeit a fake one. Due to the hcg trigger I took this morning, any pregnancy test I take for the next ten days should come back positive...even before I actually get pregnant. It was so cool pretending it was the real deal.

Some women apparently "test out their trigger" which means they take a pregnancy test every day after the trigger so they can tell when it's out of their system. I probably won't do that. Maybe I'll test again in 9 days because it's supposed to be gone by day 10. And then I want to start testing for the BFP 10 days after the IUI so that would be 11 days after the trigger shot.

So, Friday, April 20th it is. I already have fun out of town plans for that night. Here's hoping I have something to celebrate.

Triggered and Ready to Go!

Did the Easter Bunny bring me some eggs? We'll find out soon! But this morning I had TWO follicles at my ultrasound instead of the one they saw on Friday. Where did the second one come from? It was measuring at 18mm and the other measured at 19.5. I feel a lot more confident now that I have two potential eggs cooking inside me.

We did the trigger shot right in the office and scheduled my first IUI for tomorrow morning at 9:30. I'm excited. We will get there at 8:30 to drop off DH's sample and I will head upstairs for an hour of free acupuncture. My RE's office is affiliated with a spa that offers all sorts of fertility related services. I went to them once before I was even a patient to see if acupuncture could help my irregular cycles. I didn't keep going because it was expensive but for becoming a patient at the R.E.'s office I got one free session and any other treatment is BOGO. Just another reason why I love the R.E's office.

My bloodwork looks good too. My LH is at 25.49 which means I am hitting my surge! My estradiol is at 437 which supports the two follicles hanging out on my Lefty. And my progesterone is 1.2 and I don't know what that means exactly but it checks out okay on the charts. My lining is 8.5 - good enough to support a pregnancy!

Bring on the sperm!

By the way: telling someone they can't have sex for two days is a sure fire way to make them really horny. I'll have to remember that.

Go Go Gadget Follicles

I had my first cycle monitoring appointment today. To recap, it's cycle day 67 today but I call it cycle day 10 because I had a baseline ultrasound a week ago and took 100 mg of Clomid on cycle days 60-64.

We have follicles! One nice 15mm follicle on my left side and two tiny 6 mm follicles on the right side. The Clomid worked! I was so relieved. Having almost no side effects I was worried they were going to see no response.

The next step is to have sex, yay, tomorrow, and then come back in on Monday for another ultrasound. If the follicles grow like they're supposed to, I will take the trigger shot at Monday's appointment and have my IUI first thing Tuesday morning!

Can I be totally honest and say part of me was a little disappointed there was only one big follie instead of two because it means I don't have much chance at twins? Hearing about how Clomid can cause multiples made me a little excited. I must sound so ungrateful! Okay, I'll just take one healthy baby please. I know twin pregnancies are riskier and I'm sure raising two infants simultaneously is no picnic but it was a nice idea for a minute.

But enough of that madness, grow follicles, grow! We will trigger if it is 20mm on Monday and they're supposed to grow 2mm per day.

"Twelve Days Pregnant"

Looking at pregnancy web sites it never fails to amaze me how little pregnant women (smug fertiles) know about pregnancy or their own bodies for that matter. A few years ago, when pregnancy was still a distant dream for me, there was a woman on the Bump message boards ask if anyone else was taking birth control while "preggo" because she was concerned about Irish twins. Yes, she actually thought she could get pregnant while pregnant. Hilarity ensued.

I came across (okay fine, looked for it) a web site where women talked about telling their husbands they were pregnant. One woman had written in that by the time she found out she "was already twelve days pregnant." It reminded me of another time someone on a message board posted that for some reason home pregnancy tests "didn't work" for her because she didn't get a positive until she was four weeks pregnant.

Before I lose my mind and scream that stupid people should just stop reproducing I have to remember that just a few years ago I didn't really know this stuff either. Well, I knew you couldn't get re-pregant but not necessarily everything else.

And not that anyone reading this blog doesn't already know this, but pregnancies are usually dated by the first day of your last monthly period. So, by the time you can test positive on a home pregnancy test you are already nearly four weeks pregnant. There is no such thing as twelve days pregnant. On day twelve of a normal women's cycle she is gearing up to ovulate.

For people, like me, who don't have regular cycles, you need to use the date of ovulation to determine how pregnant you are. The first day of my last monthly period was January 31st. This, sadly, does not make me 64 days pregnant. If I am to ovulate soon (fingers crossed for this Saturday!) then I will be four weeks pregnant two weeks after that date. Does that make sense?

I just needed to get that off my chest!

Tonight is my last dose of Clomid. Then it's time to get this party started.